Once, for some male friends, I wrote a little ‘help guide’ for buying lingerie for their girlfriends. In my attempt to be concise, and reduce the instructions to something my peer group could follow (mostly scientists, engineers, and the like) I made declarative statements (in the style of Hemingway, but without the misogyny).
I tagged my little articles ‘brutal,’ which to me means something more akin to ‘without niceties and prose.’
In so doing, the first wave of feedback I received (mostly from women) was an ontological debate, in that my sentences seemed draconian or all-inclusive. They delved into marginalized examples that countered my recommendations. I was just happy no one attacked the actual advice. So armed with this feedback, which I appreciated the help, I proceeded to tweak all my sentences to soften them.
‘Fruit trees ravage the grounds beneath with their droppings’
became…
‘Most fruit trees ravage the grounds beneath with their droppings.’
The magic word ‘most,’ — an innocuous word, but a powerful one that lubricates conversations; I learned.
The original sentence was not intended by me to be absolute, but rather as a convenience of communication, declaring exact ratios or thresholds seems jejune [yes, I like using rare words for banal topics].
But, now, hyper-aware of this, I became hypercritical of those that call this issue to the mat. A common tactic in personal arguments is to attack the precision of the statement, eschewing the spirit or intent, and derailing or redirecting the discourse:
‘Not all Xs are Y!’
‘Not always,’
…etc.
Of course, this has grown in prevalence over the past few decades. A large chunk of debates on social media is this form of pablum. And, this was tenuously connected to stereotyping. Israel eats the most Turkey, China eats the most watermellon, and the Czech Republic drinks the most beer.
Seriously, by a lot . Way more than the next country, and more than twice that of Ireland. But when language and culture is weaponised, that does not matter of course.
Armed with hard data, if I say ‘they drink like a Czech’ do I still need to say ‘they drink like most Czechs?’
Yes, that is the game we need to play now. As there exists at least one Czech out there that does not drink… we shall assume. It is amazing we can communicate at all given ‘most’ of what we say must manoeuvre this almost insurmountable list of fallacies.
And no, I’m not going to leave you hanging, I dug up the original article (from close to 2 decades ago)
BRUTAL ADVICE
Buying Lingerie
Most women enjoy lingerie. Of these, most appreciate and enjoy receiving lingerie as a gift from their lover.
Most men don’t know how to buy lingerie, and for most men, not knowing how to do something undermines their confidence. Add this to any socially induced discomfiture regarding sexuality, and this is a dead end. Shame, because this is a win-win.
Let’s fix this:
How bras are sized
Yup, most guys don’t know this, and it is super simple. A bra uses two numbers, the first part is the measurement around the chest just under the breasts themselves, sort of like a belt. These are easy to remember since a woman’s rib cage is usually about the same size as most men’s pant waist, 80cm (36") for example. The second part is a letter, and represents a second number that is roughly the difference between the first measurement and a second measurement made around the chest so that the measurement cuts across the nipples. ‘A’ for example is a 2.5cm (1") difference, and ‘D’ is 10cm (4").
How panties are sized
Most women’s clothing uses a single number to size a woman up. For example, a size 5 is ‘small’, and 7 is ‘large.’ This system worked OK back when most people smoked and were much closer to each other in size. Today woman’s clothing comes in more sizes which accommodate women of more shapes, and including women that are… men, but that will be for a different Brutal Advice column.
Now for some great news — none of this matters. Walk over to your lover’s Underwear drawer, and ‘look’ at the sizes written on her bras and panties. If you notice some variation in size, this might reflect that she keeps looser fitting items for when her weight fluctuates, even just around her period. You should know when that is, so measure accordingly.
What colour?
If you don’t see any purple in her drawer, then don’t buy purple. The odds are, if she likes something then she will have a few items of that colour. Simple, eh?
What style?
More good news, most women want ‘you’ to enjoy this, so go look at what you like, use the sizes and colour you have learned, and you are pretty much golden.
All lingerie stores want to help you, and you are now armed with all the information you will be asked. Get off your arse and go buy her something.
Some tips:
- Women who have larger breasts prefer a slightly thicker strap. The same way you want a padded shoulder strap for a heavy bag.
- Garters and Stockings are a must when buying lingerie. Otherwise, for the most part, you’re just buying her underwear.
- It should all match.
- Within 24 hours of giving her Lingerie, you better tell her your plans to take her somewhere. This could be an event you guys are already attending or a nice dinner. Get it?
- Thongs are not for everyone. If she does not already have one in her drawer, she probably does not like them, better she is comfortable, better you both are comfortable.
