Chuck Norris sleeps with Leeo night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Rant 18526 (picture evil Kirk)
So … I helped close down a physical office recently, and in the office was a rather overly heavy nightlight plugged into the wall. No one knew anything about it, so I took it. Hey, it was heavy, and if its heavy, its expensive, right?
Well, it turned out to in fact be a $100 Leeo App enabled CO and Temperature detector, with a nightlight and colour control.
Once I got it home, I DLed the App, and sat my arse on the floor next to a wall outlet, and attempted to hook it up.
It was amazing, within just 47.8 milliseconds the app failed. I was impressed, usually, it takes minutes of my life I will never get back to learn an app failed.
So I restarted the App, and this time it only took about 1 minute for the spinner of death to stop and tell me it found nothing on Bluetooth.
I figured I probably should reset it, so I searched the web for how to do this. To make this part shorter, I’ll just insert my comments in between the steps, since that it will make it clear that even when I was thinking something to myself, I was actually YELLING AT THE TOP OF MY IMAGINARY LUNGS inside my head.
Let us begin (and yes, these are the real instructions, from their site):
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If the steps above do not work you can perform a factory reset by following these directions:
Important: Performing a factory reset can disable your Smart Alert. Do not perform multiple resets and ensure there is no loss of power during a reset.
I CAN LOSE MY &@%$!*, OR POSSIBLY EVEN BRICK A &@%$!* NIGHTLIGHT??? ARE YOU &@%$!* $#!+!#@ ME?
Unplug your Leeo Smart Alert from the outlet
Hold down the reset button while plugging the device back into the outlet. The reset button is located on the bottom of the device along the outer edge. Do not press hard, just hard enough to feel the button is pressed and held.
YOU NEED TO WARN PEOPLE NOT TO PRESS A BUTTON TOO HARD? SERIOUSLY? COULD THIS BE BECAUSE THE WAY YOU DESIGNED THIS THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO FEEDBACK THAT YOU ARE PRESSING IT IN THE FIRST PLACE? COULD YOU HAVE SPENT THE EXTRA 0.0064 YUAN AND SIMPLY HAD A REAL BUTTON THAT CLICKS? OR, PERHAPS, SINCE THE WHOLE THING IS COVERED IN LEDS, COULD YOU HAVE JUST INSTANTLY FLASHED A COLOUR LETTING PEOPLE KNOW THEY DID IT CORRECTLY?
Once you see the white light on your Leeo Smart Alert wait 10 seconds and release the reset button (it may help to use your phone’s stopwatch).
HOLD ON, ARE YOU IMPLYING PEOPLE CAN’T &@%$!* COUNT TO 10? WAIT, I NEED TO CALM DOWN, 10, 9, 8, 7 ….. &@%$!* YOU…………….YOU’RE RIGHT, WE CAN’T.
If done correctly your Smart Alert will flash blue multiple times. This may take up to 20 seconds, please be patient.
BRACE YOURSELF, IN FACT, EVEN THOUGH I DID, IN FACT, COUNT TO TEN CORRECTLY (I CAN DO THIS BOTH SITTING ON A STOVE AND WHILE HAVING DINNER WITH AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN) IT FAILED TO RESET.
AGAIN, THIS IS A NIGHTLIGHT, WHAT … IS IT A 1 BIT CPU? TWENTY SECONDS!!! A COMMODORE 64 COULD DO 1 MILLION THINGS IN 1 SECOND, ALL THIS THING NEEDS TO DO IS … WAIT A SECOND, TECHNICALLY IT SHOULD BE DOING ALMOST NOTHING, IT JUST RESTARTED. DOES IT HAVE AN OPERATING SYSTEM??? IS IT LOADING OUTLOOK? I REALLY WANT TO KNOW HOW ONE GOES ABOUT BUILDING A NIGHTNIGHT THAT HAS THIS MUCH OVERHEAD. THIS SURE SMELLS LIKE A SERIAL START UP CEO HOOKED UP WITH A VIDEO GAME ARCHITECT. ‘HOW CAN WE MAKE THIS MORE COMPLEX? ANGELS INVESTORS AREN’T GOING TO FALL FOR A RAS PI NIGHTLIGHT, ARE THEY?’
If the lights do not blink blue wait until the Smart Alert should change back to the previous setting / color or the bright white default. No factory reset has taken place, please restart at step 1.
FINE, I UNPLUGGED IT, AND DID IT AGAIN, BEING EVEN MORE ACCURATE THAN BEFORE, THIS TIME I MADE SURE TO SAY MISSISSIPPI BETWEEN EACH AND EVERY NUMBER.
If after waiting 3 minutes the Smart Alert light does not change to the pre-factory-reset color or the bright white default please contact customer service at support@leeo.com
WHOA WHOA WHOA … 3 MINUTES? I KNOW I KEEP HARPING ON HOW LONG THINGS TAKE HERE, BUT IF THIS THING CAN’T FIGURE OUT THAT IT HAS BEEN RESET FASTER THAN 3 MINUTES, HOW IN THE HELL CAN YOU TRUST IT TO INSTANTLY WARN YOU IF CARBON MONOX … … … … … … …
… SORRY, I WENT UNCONSCIOUS THERE. DON’T WORRY, I WAS AWAKENED BY THE $6.95 HOME DEPOT CARBON MONOXIDE MONITOR.
After your Smart Alert blinks blue it will turn red and begin to reboot (your device will stay red for 2–5 minutes).
OH YEAH BABY, 2 TO 5 WHOLE MINUTES OF RED LIGHT BLISS. DURING THIS 2 TO 5 MINUTES (HOW DOES A COMPUTER NOT KNOW HOW LONG IT ITSELF TAKES TO DO SOMETHING?), THE GIRL FROM IPANEMA PLAYED OUT OF A BANG & OLUFSEN SPEAKER MOUNTED INTO THE BACK OF THE NIGHTLIGHT, THE LIGHTS DIMMED AND FOR THOSE ARBITRARY AND INDETERMINATE 120 TO 300 SECONDS … MY ROOM WAS TRANSFORMED INTO A 1960’S BOSSA NOVA JAZZ CLUB, I COULD FINALLY UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE PAY $100 FOR THIS NIGHTLIGHT.
… SORRY, I WAS UNCONSCIOUS AGAIN … NONE OF THAT HAPPENED. DAMNED CARBON MONOXIDE. NOW YOU KNOW WHY I NEED THIS THING SO MUCH. RATHER, I HAD TO REBOOT IT SEVERAL MORE TIMES BEFORE THE APP FINALLY RECOGNIZED IT AND LET ME FINALLY KNOW WHAT TEMPERATURE THE ROOM IS, AND CHANGE THE COLOUR OF THE NIGHTLIGHT.
I LOST 49 MINUTES OF MY LIFE I WILL NEVER GET BACK.
Your device will then go dark for ~30 seconds and go back to a steady white light.
WAIT, MAKE THAT 49 MINUTES AND … DID YOU GUYS JUST USE A TILDE TO TELL ME IT MIGHT BE 30 SECONDS, OR LESS OR MORE THAN 30 SECONDS? AND YOU HAVE THE &@%$!* BALLS TO TELL US =WE= SHOULD USE OUR PHONE’S STOPWATCH. FIRE YOUR &@%$!* HARDWARE TEAM. I HEAR THE ENTIRE JUICERO TEAM IS AVAILABLE, I’M TO UNDERSTAND THEY CAN CRUSH DREAMS AND EMPTY INVESTOR BANK ACCOUNTS IN SECONDS FLAT.
An old friend of mine wrote this. He went on to become the Principle Engineer of Roku. Don’t underestimate
